unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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