You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize