this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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