So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
