My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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