Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
