You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
