remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
