hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Actions speak louder than pants.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
