Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
