So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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