So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
