why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize