You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
