dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
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