When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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