Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
