youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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