I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize