if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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