Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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