just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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