I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
