feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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