This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
barbara walters just said penis...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
