Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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