i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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