dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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