I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Randomize
