My room smells like vodka and shame
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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