this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
only you would photoshop your dick
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
