either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
