Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
