she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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