she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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