I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
