Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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