The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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