you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
