Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
