My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
