I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My ass is underappreciated
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize