I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
