Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
