I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
