I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Found your dick twin last night
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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