So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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