I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
