You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
These tits shall not be calmed
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