The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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