plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
