Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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