i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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