oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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