the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
