i already hear my dad disowning me
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
