shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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