does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
