i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
